This seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! You can't come in here unless you're wearing a tie." So the seal goes outside and sees an elephant sitting behind the wheel of a Volkswagon Beetle. He asks the elephant, "'Scuse me buddy, but do you have a tie I could borrow?" The elephant replies, "No, but I've got a set of jumper cables you can use." The seal takes the jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back into the bar. The bartender sees him come in and yells, "Didn't I tell you not to come in here unless you're wearing a tie?" The seal point to the cables around his neck and tells the bartender "This IS my tie." The bartender glares at the seal for a moment, then warns him, "OK, you can come in -- but don't start anything!" Ba-dump-bump.
A Stunningly Important Agri-Issue that Transcends Ideologies Yet the Partisanship of the Gem State will Seal Our State's Doom
Howdy, I'm a long time Christian Republican farmer in the Rainbow Valley of Southern Idaho and am writing on Idaho blogs and newspaper forums of both the right and the left so as to harken all the fine citizens of this frontier-rural pre-urban state to sit the hell up and sound the bellweather of alarm for what's about to destroy the agri-way of life of not only the pristine and heavily fertilized Rainbow Valley but damn near the rest of my home state. Yes, I'm a native to Idaho and am startled at the failure to act as the scourge of Argentina is now gaining a roothold in the volcanic soils of Idaho: Andean Pampas Grass!
It's taken over most of the arroyos and gullies that used to be accursed by that damn Tamarisk until the federal govt mounted an anti-Tamarisk campaign using the latest deregulation of the herbicide industry to the advantage of all the folks watching Tamarisk eat up them cricks.
Now we got APG and it's a nasty horrible sight. You can't make it into hay because it's so fibrous and deadly to ungulates as it binds up their stomachs something fierce and blows their bellies out like dynamite in a hole full of shit.
APG is a thirsty plant, but unlike Tamarisk with them deep taproots that can tunnel down to the devil's bird baths, APG uses a combo of a thick net-like root system and fingernelles, a fast and bulbous root-like osmotic dessicator of somewhat horrifying values and magnitude. APG can suck the moisture out of a mummified camel. APG is also the most hyperallergenic pollen producer of the intermountain region surpassing even Goatwart and Jebenezar's Bumberry, and if you've ever gotten a snootfull of them and had your eyes blow out of your sockets and your nose express about a Mormon Dilly Pond fulla snot in one high velocity, high drag sneeze, then you know what is in store for the good, god-fearing citizens of the Rainbow Valley and the rest of Idaho.
Doubtful it gets north of Riggins into the frozen wasteland of North Idaho as it ain't all that hardy but if it does Katie bar the barn door because you can kiss all those North Idaho Olive orchards goodbye. APG will choke out an Olive tree in a Wolf Lodge Bay moment.
So, now that I got you all askeered and woken up to the treachery and doom at hand, perhaps the Republicans and the Democrat in this state can work together and acquire some US Dept of Agriculture subsidized herbicide dispersal units and some big old ammonium cooled gleaming metal tanks full of a broad-spectrum kill juice, like some of that Hiroshimosophate. You know what this here salesman for Monsanto told me about APG which they've been killing for years in its natural habitat in Argentina for the cattle ranchers? He said "that shit will mess your shit up."
Time to join up folks and clean up some shit before it cleans us up and makes us all speak Argentinian and ride them Rhea birds they ranch down there.