Three years ago I came to Idaho without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
It's Like if You Were Trying to Write a Good Haiku and All of a Sudden a Million Ghosts of Dead Haiku Masters Show Up and LaughSubmitted by TUBOB on Thu, 05/15/2014 - 9:05pm.
It was so easy for me to unleash thousands of words on my favorite topic: making fun of Idaho. Adjectives flowed like unicorn blooded water over precipices of crystalline squirrel bones ... oh fuck that ... I can't do it. It's gone.
Why? Because these hilarious motherfuckers at the debate. I watch these youtubes and roar with laughter until I am in tears. Tears of joy. It's the funniest shit ever. No way can these guys be satirized. They are satire-proof simply by being such douchebillies. Fucking Idaho.
When I first saw the photo of the four of these guys I thought "hey, two closeted guys in suits being introduced to a leather daddy and something really icky daddy convention, and one can hardly imagine the horror they would experience in the dungeon." But nah. Once I watched the video I realized there's no point in a spin or interpretation trying to be humorous. This is perfect art. This is the superabsurd. This is brilliant. Butch Otter, who I find as appealing as an old saddle shat upon by hundreds of diarrheac cowboys and now boiled into shitty leather jerky, was tactically (if not strategically) possessed of a certain type of genius to insist these crackpots be front and center on the stage with Fulcher. Butch comes out looking like a circus ringmaster.
So, I think I'm done here and anywhere else where I once soaked myself in the blood of squirrels, sister-wives, mutant inbred children with single eyes in the middle of their foreheads capable of staring deep into your soul to find your most hidden place of shameful despair, as well as psycho-conflagrate many combustibles with nothing more than a *mad* thought, old Subaru Brats (the official Car-Truck of North Idaho) and so many more stereotypes of a backasswards frontier state.
Because. Because Harley and Walt. Motherfuckers you are golden.
Good luck Idaho. I fear you've collapsed upon yourself in weirdness, like a massive potato-shaped supernova, forming a black hole which sucks. I'm sorry you suck but it's kind of spectacular.
Here are my top four:
1. Nullify the US Government and declare Idaho "a lawless frontier of Caucasian cowboys packing heat, killing things and loving Jesus" (died in committee)
2. Renaming "Trans-Vaginal Ultrasound Probes" as "Happy baby ticklers" (tabled, feasibility study ordered)
3. $2,000,000 reward to the hunter or trapper who kills the last wolf in Idaho. (reduced to $400,000 and signed by Governor)
4. Legalize "upskirt" photos or films of animal rights activists. Create a Idaho.gov website for upskirt and upkilt galleries. (signed by Governor)
Wow. Two in a row were too much, huh?
Well, fuck that shit. I'm a Freedom Fighter! Watch me run!
Cruz: You gonna eat all them Mastodon fetuses, Hitler?
Hitler: Ja ja ja.
Cruz: Well, it's not fair.
Lucifer: Hell isn't fair, k?
Hitler: (laughs and throws a Mastodon fetus skull he's picked clean right at Cruz.
Cruz: Knock it off Hitler!
Lucifer: You all act like children. When lunch is over I still expect the sulfur pits cleaned.
Cruz: I'm unafraid of hard work.
Hitler: (stands and dances a Hitler jig) Ja!
Cruz: Fuck hell. So stupid.
Lucifer: That's the attitude! Git'r Dun!
Hitler: Gitten Der Done!
Cruz: Jesus H. Christ on a Single Payer System!
(all of hell grows instantly silent)
Lucifer: (sobs) That was uncalled for! (storms off his big leathery wings drooping in despair)
Hitler: (Points at Cruz) Fucktarden!
Cruz: Poor people don't need affordable care they need to go to hell!
What does the hippie girl with the guitar have to sing to Idaho?
Please, man, be groovy
Love each other like in a movie
like "Love, Actually" because that's Serephin's fave
he told me that when we were glowsticking at a groovy rave
I'm really down with that. Be in the flow, Idaho. We are so into you.
there once was a speaker named Boehner
who kept his tan dark using the Xerox toner
he smoked, he screamed and he sobbed
when Obama grabbed his balls and lobbed
now even the Koch bros can't give him a boehner.
Here we are, a collective dynamo of a freedom and compassion loving nation, thrumming not with throaty, synced up horsepower and quick shifting velocity but with a horrifying noise, like cats in flames leaping off collapsing nuclear plant cooling towers.
A small sect of extremists have held a jagged chunk of dirty broken glass to our throats and hissed
No, that's not what they are hissing
Don't talk uppity to us, boy. We don't do shit for your kind. We'll shut this town down for talkin' to us like that.
I'm going to set my controls for the center of the sun and go to the core and base issue behind this nightmare.
Extreme right wing tea partying white men do not cotton to an intelligent black man who is, by virtue of his elected status, one up on them.
It is visceral and it is grounded. They are willing to put on suits of flames and leap into pools of gasoline holding their political futures in little paper baskets soaked in kerosene. Extremism in the defense of stupidity and hate is no virtue. It is a vice.
The gasping vestiges of an ideology long ago left in a wastebasket by folks who like their country clean of trash, is making one last lunge at us.
It ain't about socialized medicine. It ain't about slowing the growth of government. It ain't about abortion or granny facing a death panel.
It's about white wing politicians and their shambling microcephalic base wanting to take that Kenyan liar communist down a notch or two. Don't believe any of the other narratives and dialogues.
Obama knows this too. No accident he called their leaders in the other day and told them no, I'm not negotiating with you crackers.
The self destruct button on extremist ideologues is always pushed down by the belle curve outliers. It is the step that comes once they lose whatever attention and expansive base they had. Expected. But this time they really hit the Kamikaze button. They have no exit strategy but to try to take everyone down with them into the deepest whirlpools of hatred and fixations. But we are standing on the banks of the river America and shaking our heads in both disgust and a sort of wonder.
Namaste, motherfuckers. read more »
My LiveJournal account was deleted by those bastard sonsuhbitches I HATE SO MUCH today. I am bereft of my dignity and ability to track my emotional states every day and continue a self narrative of my interior landscapes and who is hurting my feelings and who I am silly about.
My LiveJournal tribe, close internet names who share my interests in Disney Princess fan fiction, will be an aching void in my life now.
I don't think I'll start a new one with a new name, it could never be as magical or as sparkly.
Unicorns aren't fucking real. I know that now. I truly do.
temple pond holds coins
frog guards wish pennies, lazily
fat monk steals wishes, laughs
An Imaginary Conversation Between Rep Matt Shea (WA-R); Rep Vito Barbieri (ID-R) and Ted Nugent (FKTARD-R)Submitted by TUBOB on Tue, 07/30/2013 - 8:54pm.
Shea: Whoa, Ha!
Barbieri: Yeah! Argh!
Nugent: Fuckin' kill a deer and a libtard!
Shea: Ho! Ha!
Shea: Collapse! Society Kill Kill!
Barbieri: Bad! Eat squirrels! YUM
Nugent: Fuck Squirrels with a broadhead dipped in DYNAMITE. WANGO TANGO
Barbieri: Fighting the city people! Yeah!
Shea: Hell yeah!
Nugent: Bait 'em with foodstamps HO HO
Shea: HO HO Yeah
Barbieri: HAHAHA and peanuts!
Nugent: Penises for the libgays! hahaha Kill Elk Yeah!
(it goes on a lot longer but this was the part with the most elucidated exchange of ideas regarding the pre-apocalyptic visioning and strategic planning of certain Northwest GOP representatives)
Staying up at the lake to beat the heat draped over Spokane like a thermonuclear blanket on an Ammonia Giant on the hot side of Mercury.
Some random impressions: Every day EVERY FUCKING DAY someone is blasting rounds though their gun either on the other side of the lake or just up the beach. I'm not unused to the gun popping hilarity of the locality. But even for North Idaho this is extreme. IS IT BECAUSE THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE? Scary Obama! It's truly annoying me. I've been tempted to bring out my Mossberg SX 12 gauge auto loaded and arc about 8 fast ones over the lake. But why bother? I'll be gunfighting these microcephalic squirrel eating quilt lovers soon enough.
CURAD CAMO MO-FKNG BANDAIDS - no shit. Bought them in Rathdrum. Perfect for when you got to bandage up the wounds and still BLEND IN WITH THE WOODLANDS. Jesus Christ. This country has gone nuts.
Climate Change weirdness: While North Idaho isn't exactly the canary in the coal mine for climate change (it is, perhaps that for the event horizon of inbred genetics) I was trippin' to watch a bat fly out over the lake eating bugs DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE BLISTERING HOT AFTERNOON. I grabbed a kayak paddle and much impressed the neighbors who were imploring me to get that bat! Lucky for it, it flew a different way. Also - I watched an osprey doing touch and go landings on the lake spraying a sort of osprey rooster tail. WTF was that? Raptors having fun? Dig.
One more day and it's back to civilization and all. I will miss North Idaho. But I will work on my aim!
According to Biblical scholars, a man cannot ejaculate his penis if it is in the vagina of a prostitute. His penis will stop his hot creamy load of seed before it is "planted in the barren and cold soil of a harlot" (Corinthians 17:1).
So, using the Logic of God (All Rights Reserved) if man cannot cause an unwanted pregnancy (because a man cannot cause an abortion as abortions are the same as prostitution) then a man cannot cause an abortion. Thus, all abortions are pregnancies caused by the dark seed of Satan. Ipso facto and vis a vis, a woman who gains an abortion is a witch. And we shalt not brook witches. Well, we can "brook" witches if that means drowning them in brooks.
God has always had this figured out. It is our duty, not His, to live by His unerring code.
I've had literally tens of my Idaho friends and fans ask me about the recent presidential election, knowing full well I am always a balanced and fair interpreter and some might even say bellwether-man of the winds of ideological change.
So, first let me say to the devoted and focused supporters of Willard "Mitt" Romney - NEENER NEENER FUCK NEENER! Idiots
You actually thought this insectile cyborg-hate machine would win? Seriously? Look at those red/blue maps of the USA. Population Density, IQ, Racial/Ethnic Diversity, Nice places to eat out, Museums, Symphonies, etc etc
The Great White Shark of Dominant Culture America is beached and twitching in the multi-hued sand of this ass kicking nation.
The GOP pushing itself even FARTHER to the right is so brilliant. Wow. Stay hitched to Karl Rove's obvious superior political strategerianesque brilliance. So smart. So unstoppable. More Jesus. More Vagina Management by Caucasian Middle Aged Men. More safety net slashing. So scary! Can't wait for the midterms.
Oh yeah, the etch-a-sketch positioning was SO COOL. Just.so.cool. And brave!
Stay anachronistic. Stay angry. Stay anhedoniac
So here we go, here we go. Socialism! Islamic Indoctrination Centers in every major US city. Death panels. Destruction of small businesses. Chinese overlords. I can't wait! love love love to watch this nation be destroyed by DEVILCRATS and NOBAMA. Because, that's why we voted for him!
Smoking pot and marrying your drinking buddy is NOW LEGAL IN THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIK OF WASHINGTON! Here weeee go!
Really though, I think we'll be ok. Except for those teabaggers in their sad, droopy tricorns and their muskets either empty or fulla teardrop soaked gunpowder. Sorry, y'all. Guess you've been fucked right out of relevance by normal America. BUMMER.
So the Hippie Days of Halcyon America are here again and I, for one, am dancing with the devil and pleased as punch.
Here is why I support Romney/Ryan: I am tired of all the pre-Post Apoc fictionalizing and romanticizing and memorializing. Screw that. I'm excited for it to just happen. We all know we've wound this planet up and it's spinning off its moral and ecological axis to a hellish death world of hideous futures and worse presents. Only the dead will truly be free.
But hey, let's get to it. Obama just delays the inevitable. Sure, he might stave off some horrible stuff or even put us on an alternative trajectory. But only temporary. After Clinton rocked our world and put us on top what the f did America do? They elected the evil boy banjo head and his hell-borne demon guide. We don't deserve a good future. We can't handle prosperity and hope.
So go Mitt and Ryan! You fuckers are wrong enough, greedy enough, uncaring enough to jack the velocity up, keep us on course, and basically pedal to the medal us into the hellish and bleak future of have nots and about to become have nots. Let's get busy dying and killing and eating the carrion of our culture.
I'm armed. I'm camp and survival gear upped. I'm angry and hopeless. I'm ready. I know where to go, where to hide, how to steal your animals and children, and how to start up a neo-tribal collective of death loving and resource seizing survivors.
I'm ready to tattoo our tribal insignias and streak my body and face with warpaint. To burn oil, gas and tire fires in the middle of suburban and urban streets while gunfighting for a Jeep Wrangler, a fat labrador, and a couple of kids who look like they can work hard while chained and beaten.
Romney/Ryan - bring us a hopeless future of the rich enclaving away, fiddling while Rome conflagrates, and the rivers dry. We will find great sport in finding the rich and dragging them out of their McMansions and stealing their crap and drowning them in their pools and driving away in their Escalades and Lexuses with Metallica blaring and machine gun fire echoing in the night with tracers lighting up the sky with the future our Republican Party will bring us.
Let's fucking do it. Time for the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.
Romney/Ryan 2012 AD. 0000 PA
Don't bait me, old man. I would be as an Idaho Gray Wolf having my way with a cardboard box full of mewling tabby kittens. Now calm down.
Making love to a howling Husqvarna chainsaw wielded by a pirate.
Getting a script of Hydrocodone for a very painful blown shoulder and getting this cool new roommate named Ryan Leaf on the same day.
Siamese cats in heat outside your open window the day after you come home with your new heart pacemaker.
Kneeling to worship on Easter and realizing Rick Santorum and family are seated next to you
Pitbulls named Turbo, Axle, TNT, Mugga, or Kafka
Your girlfriend asking you one morning if you'd read about this new yeast infection that can infect men turning them into simpering little cowards with diseased testicles the size of chickpeas
Finally meeting Serephin and Sisyphus for beers and discovering all they want to talk about are their FREAKING DRUM CIRCLES in parks.
Dick Cheney getting a heart transplant when members of the non-demonic human race needing them die in hospitals.
Prior to removing their children from public schools to receive a religious-themed homeschooling, Idaho parents would be required to submit their children to a trans-metaphysical "soulogram" probe by a licensed atheist to include a recording of the actual absence of a soul. Parents would have the right to refuse to listen to the silence from a sentient human body devoid of any essence, spirit or other magical construction of "soul."
Prior to entering Idaho to live or temporarily work in a community with less than 20% minority population per the most current US Census, all Caucasian non-residents are required to submit to a trans-chromosomal "colorogram" to determine if they have any non-white genetic material. Individuals would have the right to refuse to listen to the automated voice stating their racial subtypes. Individuals lacking any racial diversity would not be allowed to reside in communities with less than 20% minority populations.
Prior to receiving purchase scripts for the following foodstuffs and spices often used in the preparation of squirrel meat, to include but not be limited to ketchup, tomato sauces, salt and pepper, salsa, flour, white and brown sugar, onion, potatoes, cabbage, teriyaki sauce, applesauce, chicken broth and beef bouillon, Idaho residents must submit to a trans-deliverance"rubeogram" to discern the sounds of banjos, washboards, pickup trucks idling, chainsaws, wolf hybrids howling, meth lab explosions. Individuals may not refuse to listen to the sounds of their internal hills and hollers if they intend to ingest Idaho's squirrels.
DFO: I'm cure-hee!-((us)) why you pick so man-he fights?
Me: I totally don't get the "cure-hee!-((us)) for "curious"
DFO: How about an ap-hollow-gee once in awhile?
Me: That's your fkn favorite isn't it? You gotta re-TIRE it, man.
DFO: re-TIRE is great! The seasoned citizens will love that!
Me: Seasoned citizens sounds like some depraved cannibalistic act involving spices and meat tenderizer. Dave, are you a cannibal?
DFO: You are itch-ZING for a trip to the cooler, sport
Me: WTF is the zing about? You're forcing it all the time.
DFO: That's it, buddy.
Me: You can't cooler me, I'm sitting in your fkn cubicle.
Me: I taught you that one.
DFO: Hat Tip to you!
Me: Yeah. You're well-cum.
Me: I have a thing for swarth.
Me: Thought I should let you no.
I am filled with a molten outrage over the banning of Sisyphus from a mid-sized city newspaper blog representing and pandering to the Homo Neanderthalenus-Drosophila Melanogaster hybrids of North Idaho.
It isn't because I actually read the grinding scroll of that hideous newspaper forum, although Sisyphus certainly cracks open their rickety outhouse door of pungent, gaseous diatribes and echo chambering with his reality-based commentary and gentle nudging of the resident Lord of the Outhouse People, but I have many more important endeavors to engage in during the day, e.g. memorizing the entire Joe Jackson catalog for "New Wave Brit Invasion Karaoke Night" down at the Dew Drop Wagon Wheel Inn.
But it just flaps my forward gunwales to imagine an America where the free exchange of ideas, even if they contradict or are too logical and humane for the Outhouse People to absorb or even allow to rattle around in their severely sloped and carbuncle covered heads like ball bearings in a gumball machine in the back of an 86 Subaru Brat (the official Car-Truck of North Idaho), is stifled by a tinpot internet Dictator presiding over his swampy banana republic of morons, jethros, hillbillies, wingnuts, assholes, teabaggers, snowballers, pukes, birthers, bible slapping Jesus monkeys, bikers, hellions, scofflaws, and rubes.
Seriously, compare Boise to Coeur D'Alene? My God, that is like comparing a fish with lungs learning to motate on muddy land with an intestinal flatworm clinging with a gaping starving maw for bits of semi-digested squirrel and beans.
Be that as it may, since I don't read it anyway and have been myself banned for over a year I don't suspect a boycott by me will be of any import.
HOWEVER I CAN STILL POST ANGRY PROTESTY YOUTUBES. GO TO HELL HBO
Idaho legislators propose allowing quad trailer semi trucks hauling toxic waste to use decommissioned Soviet submarine reactors as "supplemental engines on low density highways" to travel at sub-sonic speeds.
Idaho legislators propose tattooing "Jesus Saves" or "Jesus Saved Me" on the foreheads of all Idaho DOC prisoners convicted of malicious mischief or theft charges involving churches or temples.
Idaho legislators propose elimination of all public benefits for anyone who refuses to take polygraph examinations to monitor their use of food and medical benefits.
Idaho legislators propose issuing a State of Idaho Warrant and Detainer for the arrest of President Barack Obama as a foreign agent/provocateur.
Idaho legislators propose a proclamation which states Governor Brewer of Arizona is Idaho's "Official Soul Sister!"
Idaho legislators propose a "Free State Timber" day in honor of their esteemed member, Phil Hart, where one day each summer Idaho residents can cut trees on Idaho state land for their personal use only.
Idaho legislators propose a new public education system in which all K-12 students will be issued inexpensive smart phones with three basic educational applications and be sent home to "do God's will and some phone learnin'"
Idaho legislators propose a proclamation declaring the Caterpillar D5 as the official Idaho bulldozer. read more »